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2015上海黄浦区中考一模作文范文
Ø 昂立中考名师李少白老师范文
I’m not a coward girl any more
How time flies. After three years gains with pains in junior high school, now I’m so proud that I’m not a coward girl any more.①
Still I remember the first PE lesson when I stood alone in the playground, not daring to② come towards anybody to play with them. I was so coward! That night, Mum encouraged me to greet everyone the next day. Hard as it was to me, ③I tried and got warm responses surprisingly! From then on, I always remind myself not to think negatively before I try. ④Like magic, my courage has brought me good friends, third prize on Campus Speech Contest and even a chance to give a speech in Shanghai Children’s Art
Center!
With the courage, I’m confident to greet the challenge ahead in life.⑤ (117)
Ø 内容分析
本篇开放话题，写一下自己成长进步的故事。类似话题同学们应该非常熟悉，如2005年中考作文"Growing pains and gains”，2010年中考作文"I am proud of myself’’, 以及我们中考冲刺班上写过的题目 “I’d like to say goodbye to…. ”。例子应该不难想，如何用清晰简练的语言将成长经历记叙清楚并得出有意义的结论才是重点。所以语言组织上需多斟酌。
Ø 精彩亮点分析
l 亮点一： 首段感叹句+表语从句，精干开场点题。
l 亮点二：现在分词not daring(不敢)，一句话说清楚当年是如何coward(胆小)的。
l 亮点三：Hard as it was to me as引导让步状语从句倒装句，强调勇敢迈出第一步对于我之难!
l 亮点四：善用before状语从句,表达能更地道。
l 亮点五：从coward到confident,一句话点明对我的积极影响，升华主题。
l 亮点六：文中一些小词如come towards, like magic, ahead等的准确添加让传情达意更进准。